FROM THE “WE” TO THE “ME”: A PAINFUL JOYFUL JOURNEY

FROM THE “WE” TO THE “ME”: A PAINFUL JOYFUL JOURNEY  

Please don't ask me about my name. Ask to know my full name. I grew up in a city in a small country. Knowing that people would enquire about my relationship to some of the names they would list when asked me my full name made me feel proud of myself and gave me more respect. Since tribes or large families form the social foundation of my country, Jordan, the concept that your relationships are more important than who you are played an integral part in defining myself and others. 

When I was a young child, we moved to the city, Amman, the capital, but we were not alone. My parents and three of our close relatives build apartments on a big lot of land and were joined later by others from the big extended family. All the kids in the neighborhood went to the same Christian school where we were known as a one big family. After graduation from high school, I attended a public university of diverse cultural and social backgrounds. Most of my friendships were from my hometown, which might be just a coincidence!! I grew up with a belief that the people you know and are related to play a significant role in writing the script of your life story, and it is more comfortable being with them as you feel loved and accepted.  

My perspective of other people has been shaped by these past experiences, as I view the world and people in the Lense of family, tribe, group rather than a solo individual. I tend also to interpret individual behaviors in the context of “we” not “me”. Success of someone is related to his family genes, marriage relationship failure of a family member is a label of a “short-term” type of marriage relationships to the others in the same family and numerous other examples of interpreting the culture. This reminds me of what John Wooden said: “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”    

The brave shift in the mindset started when I got married to a young gentleman who fulfills my expectations of the future husband.  He grew up in a village in a small family, but he was more than a person with family connections, he was a solo individual able to build himself and his new family.  

A year and a half back and after moving to the USA from the Middle East and being away from family and friends, the joyful painful journey of life continued, but with a different mentality. I am now a foreigner with an accent, deprived from all the family support and the relationships reinforcement. This new shift had a great influence on the way I see and interpret people's actions and reactions, not only that but also the lens through which I see myself. Watching the seniors in the gym aiming to be fit, and many receiving several vaccine shots and supplements in the pharmacy where I work to maintain their health made me see the people in the perspective of “me” rather than “we”. Self should be taken care of, because not the “we” but the “me” is main hero of the life story. Savings, work, investments are of great value because all are assets in the investment in the individual self and are should not be stopped by growing beyond senior years. Moving from place to place, changing jobs, living away from the family, and sometimes leaving a husband or wife are easy decisions because the “me” can decide away from the influence of the family or tribe, and boundaries are clearly set if the family tried to interfere. Parents are even free to decide their legacy because their decision is related to them not to the biological bond they have with their children. It is all about the individual not the relationship, it is individualistic not collectivistic.  

As I move on in my journey of a life mixed of joy and pain, I feel the joy in my past seeing my old forest with all the people I am proud of and supported by, and the pain of being a solo tree that has to depend on its roots to grow and flourish. But in all I know I have two homes: my roots and my forest. I know also that each solo tree is unique as it sees itself. Differences rule the story of all of us but acceptance, resilience and love make it a happy one.