Two-colored story
I was raised in a Muslim family; both my mother and my older sister wore headscarves (hijab). In my household, wearing hijab was something that was expected and sometimes forced. I was 12 years old when I started wearing a headscarf. There is no other choice for me but obedience. We “females” should obey the males; dads, older brothers, then husbands and even older sons in the future. I looked at my older brother with jealousy as he was free to wear whatever he wants, not only that but he had more freedom and fewer rules. Is he better than me? Am I less than him? Why is God putting these restrictions on us females? Why is this terrible punishment, fire and being pulled from the uncovered hair in the hell after death? Oh!! I prefer to obey rather than all this trouble! Rebellion is deadly!
After I finished my associate degree, it was time for me to marry, as marriage in my parent’s perspective is the best thing for a girl my age or even younger can have. I married one of my father’s old friend’s sons; who was living abroad and wanted a covered Muslim girl; therefore, I was a good choice for him.
A new stage of my life started, wife in a foreign country. Every day was a nightmare for me, I felt that everybody was looking at me and I seemed to be very different, as if I was from a different planet. It was hot which made the hijab unbearable.
After less than a year, I became a mother of twin girls. After six months, I was planning to visit my family with the twins, but I had to travel two months earlier than planned as my dad passed away in a tragic car accident. It was tough because my dad missed seeing his granddaughters, even if they were not considered genuine granddaughters, since they have a different family name!
When my family started doing the paperwork for the inheritance, I got ½ part of what my brother got. This time, my mind was occupied with a big “why”, but I could not say anything, since this is the law in my religion; men are dominant, men are heroes, they are the big bosses!
Years passed and now I have three girls and still hoping to have a boy. My husband wanted a boy, and his family also wanted a boy, especially after we went back home to our country and settled there after my husband started his own business. He always blames me: “To whom will I leave all this wealth? I want a boy!” In the law of my religion, if a husband dies and he has no male sons, all his close relatives will share his inheritance. My husband started thinking of marrying another woman hoping to have a boy, which seems nonsense to me, reflecting on my basic science knowledge from high school that the man is the one responsible for the sex of the baby.
"It’s not fair! Why does he have the right to remarry? Why can his relatives share his inheritance, even some of which he never met and know nothing about! Why should I be under the burden of hijab and the oppression of the males? why I as a female inherit half of what male gets? Why is even my testimony in court not considered a valid one? Am I less than men? Is God hard on me and more to the side of the males!” These are the questions that turned my life into a nightmare.
Color two
My family was not a usual Muslim family but a committed one. My dad prays, fasts and goes to hajj every year. My mom is covered and all my sisters too.
When I was eleven, I decided to wear the hijab like my mom even though she told me I was still young, but she bought one as a way of encouragement. I started wearing the hijab but not all the time, after some time I took my decision more seriously, and since then I have not taken it off in public. My mother always explained to me that the rules and restrictions on us as females are from God, and we should obey Him, as they are all for our benefit as weak and vulnerable creatures, and God is protecting us. She always used the seatbelt in the car as an illustration, asking me: Do we put the seat belt because it is a traffic rule only, or because it protects us if an accident happens? I understood more as I grew up, men are influenced by seeing us as females, so we should cover ourselves to protect ourseselves and prevent them from sinning. We women should obey even if we are not convinced, or the punishment after death will be big and painful. I fought the idea that we women are slaves, and men are free. On the contrary, men have a great responsibility as they are always responsible for the females in the family. We females are always under the wings of the males, and this is a great concept in Islam.
After I finished my associate degree, I was introduced to a Godly man, we got married and I moved to live with him abroad. Being covered was important for him because he knew how men (and he is not excluded!) look at women, so hijab was a protection for me and other men from sinning. I always tried to be an obedient wife even if it was hard sometimes, knowing that this is what God wants from me and one day I will be rewarded. If not here, it will be in the life after death. I was convinced that my husband has the privilege of getting another three wives, and I am fine with that, but of course, he should have a good reason for that according to Islam and he should be fair with us all. I told him once as a joke that if he plans another marriage, he should not surprise me, and I want someone I can be friends with! Obedience to my husband was the main mission in my life knowing that I would be his best one in life after death (he would have multiple wives or lovers). This part might be confusing for both of us, but we trust that God knows the best!
Hijab was a way for me to find other Muslim girls like me among the crowd, and a way to make several chats and some friends.
We lost my dad in a car accident and after I went back home, I was thankful for my brother who gave me my part of the inheritance knowing that he deserves more than me. I know the extra money he gets is linked to extra responsibility for the females in the family. I trust my religion rules that we women should be always taken care of by a male and be under his protection, my husband now, and if I become a widow (God forbid that) then my brother will be taking care of me.
I know my husband wants a boy, and as a mother of three girls, I know that our wealth will be shared with my husband's relatives who will be sharing the responsibility of taking care of us as females. Never forget to mention that judgment day is coming for those who did not do what they are supposed to! I feel safe being under the wings of a male, he is not dominating me but taking care of me.
I am pregnant now, pray it is a boy this time!😊
The more you remove the veil that covers your eyes, the more you can see.
The more you question, the more you can find answers.
The more you allow the sun to enter your window, more light you can get.
It is your choice by the end of the day, how much you want to see and how much truth you want to find.
In what you believe, you will have peace. Ask, and you will receive. Seek, you will find.
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